"Hard-Easy" Leadership

The Fire-Starting Lesson That Changed How I Handle Difficult Conversations

What my son's outdoor survival training taught me about leadership

The Preparation That Makes All the Difference

Several years ago, I watched my son prepare for a wilderness camping trip with an intensity that seemed almost obsessive. For hours, he sat creating what he called "fire packets" – tiny bundles of the most flammable materials he could find.

First came the finest tinder: dryer lint, birch bark shavings, and pine needles scraped into near-dust. Then pencil-thin twigs, carefully sorted by size. Finally, slightly larger kindling, all bundled together with precise care. Each packet was small enough to fit in his palm, but packed with everything needed to create fire.

"Wow, this seems like a lot of work," I said, watching him create his tenth packet of the evening.

"That's the point," he replied without looking up. "It's called 'hard-easy.' Work hard now so it's easy later."

Three days later, he called from base camp. "Dad, it rained for six hours today. Everyone else struggled for twenty minutes trying to get fires started with wet matches and damp wood. I had a roaring blaze in thirty seconds."

That phone call taught me something profound about leadership that I'd been getting wrong for years.

The Management Version of "Hard-Easy"

In my early management years, I practiced what I now call "easy-hard." I avoided difficult conversations to keep things comfortable in the moment, only to create bigger problems later.

It looked like this:

• Overlooking performance issues because addressing them felt uncomfortable

• Making excuses for team members who weren't pulling their weight

• Hoping problem behaviors would somehow resolve themselves

• Choosing short-term harmony over long-term effectiveness

Just like trying to start a fire with whatever materials you can find in the moment, this approach occasionally worked. But most of the time, it led to frustration, wasted energy, and poor results.

The "hard easy" approach to management is different. It means doing the uncomfortable preparation work upfront – having those difficult conversations, setting clear expectations, and holding people accountable – so that your team functions smoothly when it matters most.

The Anatomy of a Difficult Conversation

According to research from Harvard Business Review, managers avoid crucial conversations an average of 7 months before finally addressing performance issues. That's 7 months of declining team morale, decreased productivity, and mounting frustration – all to avoid 20 minutes of discomfort.

Here's what I've learned about the "fire packet" approach to difficult conversations:

The Tinder: Documentation and Specific Examples

Just like my son's finest tinder, you need the smallest, most precise materials to start the conversation. Vague complaints like "attitude problems" won't ignite change. You need specific incidents, dates, and observable behaviors.

Instead of: "Your communication needs improvement." Try: "In yesterday's staff meeting, when Sarah asked about the new scheduling protocol, you interrupted her twice and said 'this won't work' without offering alternative solutions."

The Kindling: Clear Expectations and Standards

The middle layer of your conversation should establish what good performance looks like going forward. This isn't punishment – it's clarity.

Include:

• Specific behaviors you need to see

• Timeline for improvement

• How success will be measured

• Support you're willing to provide

The Fuel: Consequences and Follow-Up

The largest pieces in my son's fire packets provided sustained burn. In difficult conversations, this means being clear about what happens if improvements don't occur.

This doesn't mean threats. It means honest communication about the path forward and the natural consequences of continued underperformance.

The Transformation That Always Surprises Me

Here's what happens when you finally have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding for months:

Within 48 hours: The tension you didn't realize everyone was feeling starts to lift. Other team members stop working around the problem person and start working normally again.

Within one week: Either the struggling team member begins to improve, or they start the process of finding a better fit elsewhere. Both outcomes are positive.

Within two weeks: If the team member leaves, everyone is breathing easier. If they stay and improve, everyone feels more confident in your leadership.

I've watched this pattern repeat dozens of times across different practices and organizations. The anticipation of the difficult conversation is always worse than the actual conversation itself.

The Cost of "Easy Hard" Leadership

Research from the Corporate Leadership Council shows that avoiding difficult conversations costs organizations an average of $62,000 per employee annually in lost productivity, increased turnover, and decreased team engagement.

But the hidden costs are even higher:

Your Best Employees Lose Respect

Every day you avoid holding someone accountable, your top performers notice. They start wondering if standards matter, if effort is appreciated, and if you'll protect the culture they're working to maintain.

Problems Compound

Unlike fires that burn out on their own, performance problems rarely resolve without intervention. Small issues become ingrained habits. Attitudes affect other team members. What could have been a single conversation becomes a complex team dynamic.

Your Own Stress Increases

That team member you're avoiding confronting? You think about them constantly. Sunday nights become anxious. Monday mornings feel heavy. The conversation you're not having is having you.

As leadership expert Brené Brown notes: "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." When you avoid difficult conversations, you're not being compassionate – you're being unfair to everyone involved, including the person who needs feedback.

The "Fire Packet" Framework for Difficult Conversations

Before the Conversation (The Preparation):

Gather Your Tinder:

• Specific examples of the problem behavior

• Dates and circumstances

• Impact on team, patients, or operations

Prepare Your Kindling:

• Clear expectations going forward

• Timeline for improvement

• Metrics for success

Ready Your Fuel:

• Natural consequences if improvement doesn't occur

• Support you're willing to provide

• Follow-up schedule

During the Conversation (The Ignition):

Start with Care: "I value you as a team member, which is why I need to address this directly."

Be Specific: Use your documented examples without editorializing or assuming motives.

Focus Forward: Spend more time on expectations than on past failures.

Get Commitment: "What would need to change for you to be successful here?"

After the Conversation (Maintaining the Fire):

Follow Through: Check in according to your agreed timeline.

Recognize Improvement: Acknowledge positive changes immediately.

Stay Consistent: Don't let standards slip because the conversation was uncomfortable.

When the Conversation Leads to Departure

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, team members decide the role isn't the right fit. This feels like failure, but it's often the best outcome for everyone involved.

Here's what I've observed when the right person leaves:

Week 1: Relief

The team dynamic immediately improves. People stop walking on eggshells. Productivity increases because energy isn't being drained by interpersonal tension.

Week 2: Clarity

You realize how much time and mental energy was being consumed by managing around this one person. Other team members start contributing ideas they'd been holding back.

Month 1: Growth

The team develops confidence in your leadership. They see that you'll protect the culture and standards. Performance across the board often improves.

Month 3: Gratitude

Even team members who were initially concerned about the departure usually acknowledge that it was the right decision for everyone.

The departing employee often thrives in a role that better matches their skills and temperament. What felt like failure was actually helping someone find where they belong.

The False Compassion of Avoidance

Many managers avoid difficult conversations because they think they're being kind. "I don't want to hurt their feelings," or "They're going through a tough time," or "Maybe it will get better on its own."

This isn't compassion – it's conflict avoidance disguised as caring.

Real compassion looks like:

• Giving someone honest feedback so they can improve

• Protecting the team from dysfunction

• Helping mismatched employees find better opportunities

• Creating clarity instead of confusion

When you avoid difficult conversations, you're prioritizing your comfort over everyone's success – including the person who needs the feedback.

The Long-Term Payoff of "Hard Easy" Leadership

My son's fire packets required hours of preparation for thirty seconds of benefit. But those thirty seconds made the difference between a successful camping trip and a miserable, cold experience.

Difficult conversations require minutes of discomfort for months of benefit. The conversation you're avoiding might be the key to transforming your entire team dynamic.

Teams with leaders who address issues directly:

• Have 40% less turnover than teams where problems are ignored

• Report 60% higher job satisfaction

• Show 25% better productivity metrics

• Experience significantly less interpersonal conflict

The Choice Every Leader Faces

Every time you notice a performance issue, attitude problem, or behavioral concern, you have two choices:

Choice 1 (Easy Hard): Avoid the conversation, hope it resolves itself, work around the problem, and deal with escalating issues for months.

Choice 2 (Hard Easy): Prepare thoroughly, have the conversation professionally, follow through consistently, and create lasting improvement.

Choice 1 is easier today but harder every day afterward.

Choice 2 is harder today but easier every day afterward.

What This Means for Your Next Difficult Conversation

Right now, you probably have a conversation you've been avoiding. A team member whose performance isn't meeting standards. A behavior that's affecting team morale. An issue you keep hoping will resolve itself.

It won't resolve itself.

But here's what will happen when you finally address it:

• The conversation will be less difficult than you imagined

• The results will be better than you expected

• Your team will respect your leadership more

• You'll sleep better knowing you're leading instead of just managing

The preparation my son did for his camping trip seemed excessive until it mattered. The preparation you do for difficult conversations will seem unnecessary until you need it.

Start building your fire packet today:

• Document the specific issue

• Clarify your expectations

• Plan your follow-through

• Schedule the conversation

Your team is counting on you to lead with courage, not just comfort. The difficult conversation you're avoiding might be the key to the breakthrough your team needs.

Just like a well-prepared fire can turn a cold, miserable night into a warm, successful camping experience, a well-handled difficult conversation can transform a struggling team into a thriving one.

The question isn't whether you'll eventually have that conversation.

The question is: will you prepare for it properly, or will you keep trying to start fires with wet matches?

Jim Heinz is a medical practice management consultant with over 30 years of experience helping leaders build teams that actually work. His approach focuses on practical systems that create lasting change, not temporary fixes. Learn more about building effective team cultures at JimHeinzConsulting.com.